No comments, no snide remarks, nothing I could possibly come up with would even touch this.  Just keep in mind this is this week's #1 album in the country.

R. Kelly - Trapped in The Closet

Chapter 1 of 5
Seven o'clock in the morning
And the rays from the sun wakes me
I'm stretchin' and yawnin'
In a bed that don't belong to me
And a voice yells, "Good morning, darlin", from the bathroom
Then she comes out and kisses me
And to my surprise, she ain't you

Now I've got this dumb look on my face
Like, what have I done?
How could I be so stupid to be have laid here til the morning sun?
Must of lost the track of time
Oh, what was on my mind?
From the club, went to her home
Didn't plan to stay that long

Here I am, quickly tryin' to put on my clothes
Searching for my car keys
Tryin' to get on up out the door
Then she streched her hands in front of it
Said, "You can't go this way"
Looked at her, like she was crazy
Said, "Woman move out my way"
Said, "I got a wife at home"
She said, "Please don't go out there"
"Lady, I've got to get home"
She said, her husband was comin' up the stairs

"Shh, shh, quiet
Hurry up and get in the closet"
She said, "Don't you make a sound
Or some shit is going down"
I said, "Why don't I just go out the window?"
"Yes, except for one thing, we on the 5th floor"
"Think, think, quick, put me in the closet"
And now I'm in this darkest closet, tryin' to figure out
Just how I'm gonna get my crazy ass up out this house

Then he walks in and yells, "I'm home"
She says, "Honey, I'm in the room"
He walks in there with a smile on his face
Sayin', "Honey, I've been missin' you"
She hops all over him
And says, "I've cooked and ran your bath water"
I'm tellin' you now, this girl's so good that she deserves an Oscar

Throws her in the bed
And start to snatchin' her clothes off
I'm in the closet, like man, what the fuck is going on?
You're not gonna believe it
But things get deeper as the story goes on
Next thing you know, a call comes through on my cell phone
I tried my best to quickly put it on vibrate
But from the way he act, I could tell it was too late
He hopped up and said, "There's a mystery going on
And I'm gonna solve it"
And I'm like, "God please, don't let this man open this closet"

He walks in the bathroom
And looks behind the door
She says, "Baby, come back to bed"
He says, "Bitch, say no more"
He pulls back the shower curtain
While she's biting her nails
Then he walks back to the room
Right now, I'm sweating like hell
Checks under the bed
Then under the dresser
He looks at the closet
I pull out my Baretta
He walks up to the closet
He comes up to the closet
Now he's at the closet
Now he's opening the closet...

Chapter 2 of 5
Well......
Now he's staring at me like
As if he was starin in a mirror
She yells honey let me explain
He says you don't have to go no further
I can clearly see what's goin on
Behind my back, in my bed, in my home
Then I said wait a minute now hold on
I said mister we can work this out
She said honey don't lose control
Tried to get him to calm down
He said ho I should've known
That you would go and do some bogus shit up in my house
But the Christian in me gave you the benefit of the doubt
I said we need to resolve this
Then he stepped to me, I'm like whoa
There's a reason I'm in this closet
He says, yeah like what, are you talkin clothes
I met this girl at the ?? club
And she told me she didn't have a man
Then he said man please, I'd kill you if you didn't have that gun in ya hand
And I said but yo chick chose me
He said don't give me that mack shit please
His phone goes off and then things get a little more interesting
He steps a little closer
I point my gun and says I'm not the one you after
He says somethin I bet you didn't know my man
Did she tell you that I was a pastor
I said well good that's betta right
Why can't we handle this Christian- like
And I started to put the gun down
Til I saw his face still had a frown
She started cryin, sayin baby I'm sorry
Then he said baby not as sorry as you're gonna be
I started inchin out
He says no I want you to see this
Said I gotta get out this house
He said not til I reveal my secret
I'm like what is goin on inside his head
Then he takes his phone and calls somebody up and says
Hello, Baby, turn the car around
Listen I just need for you to get right back here now (Click)
He looks at me and says well since we're all comin out the closet
I'm not about to be the only one that's broken hearted
She said what do you mean
And he said just wait and see
I said somebody betta talk to me
And then his phone rang
He picks up and somebody says sweetheart I'm downstairs
And he's like I'll buzz you up
I'm on the fifth floor, hurry take the stairs
And I'm like who is this mystery lady that you're talking to
He says in time you both will know the shockin truth
Baby this is something I been wanting to get off my chest for a long, long time
Then I said now Imma shoot you both if you don't say what's on ya mind
He said wait I hear somebody comin up the stairs
And I'm lookin at the door
He says I think you betta sit down in the chair
I says I'm gonna count to four
1, he says mister wait
2, she says please don't shoot
3, he says don't shoot me
4, she screams
Then a knock at the door, the guns in my hands
He opens the door, I can't believe it's a man

Chapter 3 of 5
Here we are,.....the four of us..... in total shock.. me and her.
i closed my mouth and swallowed spit,.....and im thinking to myself this some b shit!
and i said so he gonna tell me he's the one he's been talking to?
he say yes he says no he say yes he says no,it's the truth!
i said all of yall ass is crazy let me up out this door ,... becuz this is wayyy more than i bargained for
she says wait ..im sure we can all sit still,
then i said im late,cuz i aint gotta damn thing to do with this!
but then she said wouldnt you just like to know,how it all began?
then i thought to myself, ..and said Quick,you got three minutes
then it got real quiet i said somebody start talking,
she said MY GOD rufus!
I got just one question,how could you do sumthing like this? im so hurt!
he looked at her and said Bitch please,you got ur nerve.
with all ur club hoppin,lying when you said you was shoppin.
and now here you are in our home,and you calling me wrong.
and that much i agree,you caught me cheatinggg! but this is a new extreme!

he said you are my wife,sleeping behind my back.
and now i come home and you got him in the closet,how extreme is that?!
and she said but she's a he!,
and he said bitch you cant judge me
she said but this is crazy!
and I said stop arguing!
i did not sit here to hear you chew each other out it out,so get to to the point,or i swear im out!
...excuse me please,but i think i can explain whats going on in here.
my name is chuck and i been knowing him for 5 hard year,him and i been creeping
around there not staying around to standing living in hell,sleepin in and out of hotels..
I said brother spare the details!
then rufus said chuck please! dont say nothing else!
then she screams you son of a bitch,
he says cathy go to hell!
i said i thought you said your name was mary,that what you said at the party.
man this is gettin scary imma shoot somebody!
then rufus start yelling and screaming saying cathy this is all your fault!
she pulled up to him and you was creeping too,the only difference is you didnt get caught!
chuck screamed out we're in love! cathy say Love my ass!
rufus said there getting married then i shoot one in the air!
i said notta nother one of you sons of bitches say a word!
cuz all this shit im goin thru is unheard!
i grabbed my cellular
i said this is so wrong,
i call up my home,
and a man picks up the phone phone phone phone.....

Chapter 4 of 5
Now I'm dashing home, doing 85
Swerving lane to lane, with fire in my eyes
I got a million thoughts going through my mind
I'm thinkin' about how I'm gonna do it and whom I'm gonna do it to when I get home
How could I have been so blind?

And then I look in my rear view, I cannot believe this
Woo! Woo! Woo! Damn! Here comes a policeman
He drove right up on me then flashed his lights and I pulled over
Without thinkin' twice, he hops out the car and walks over to me
And says, "License and registration please."

I looked up at him and said, "Officer is there something wrong?"
He said, "No, except youw as doing 85 in a 60 mile zone"
And then I said, "Officer, let me explain please,
You see the truth of the matter is, is that I got an emergency!"

He said "No excuses, and no exceptions"
I said "This is some bullshit!" as he gave me the ticket
Said "Have a nice day" and walked away, I said "Yeah, right" and drove away
And then I turned my radio on, and did 70 on the way home

I pulled up in the driveway, hopped out and slammed the car door,
Then go around the back, bust up in the house, and she's screamin', "What's all that for?"
And then I'm like, "Woman, I called this house and a man picked up my phone!"
She says, "Calm down, did you forget my brother Tiron came home?"

"Oh..."

And that's all I could say was "Oh" with a stupid look on my face,
Said, "I forgot he came home today."
And she says, "That's okay, because honey I understand."
She says, "You don't have to explain," then I took her by the hand

I kissed her and then we went to the room
Then I turned some music on, apologize one more time, then went down and start gettin' it on
She started bitin' her lips, grabbin' me and makin' noise
Now we're makin' love and she's in my ear whisperin', "It's all yours."

I said, "I love you" she said, "I love you too,"
Then a tear fell up out my eye, then I called her my sunshine
And then she looked at me, and said, "Baby go deeper please!"
That's when I started goin' crazy like I was tryin' to give her a baby!

The room feel like it's spinnin'
Cuz we keep turnin' and turnin'
As if we were in a whirlwind
The way our toes are curlin'

The next thing you know she started goin' real wild and screamin' my name,
And then I said, "Baby we must slow down, before I bust the cells up in my brain!"
She said, "Please don't don't stop!" I said, "I caught a cramp!"
She said, "Please keep on goin'!" I said, "My leg is about to crack!"

Then she cries out, "Oh my goodness I'm about to climax!"
And I say, "Cool, climax and just let go of my leg!"
She says, "You're the perfect lover!" I said, "I can't go no farther!"
Then I flip back the cover, OH MY GOD A RUBBER!

Chapter 5 of 5
Well, Well, Well
What the fuck is this?
A condom in my bed
You better start talkin bitch
Before I take a match and burn this mother fucker down
I said "You better start talkin and start talkin right god damn now"
Then she said "My baby I'm so speechless
Then I said "My baby you gon be breathless"
"If you don't start talkin quick!"
"Woman I'm gon have a fit!"
"You don't know what you fuckin with"
"Girl you better cut the bull shit!"
Now it's obvious somebody has been all up in my home, in my bed
Plus I smell cigarettes
Now I'm sniffin and lookin around, I'm suspicious like someone's here
Then I look in her eyes and in her eyes was so much fear
Pull out my gun and said is he still here
She shook her head and said "No"
I'm checkin behind every door
She cried out "He left right after you called
I said "What the fuck was you thinkin; you thought that I wouldn't find this out"
Then I said "You must be crazy, you on crack to have someone all up in my mother fuckin house"
She hopped up and said "That's enough"
She said "I can't take no more"
And the she said "You made your point, but now its time to even the score"
She said "I know all about last night"
"And where you went when you left the club"
She said "That's right nigga I was there with this guy in the back of the club"
I said "I thought you was with your girls"
She said "I thought you was with your guys"
She said "You was at that bitches house and don't you even try to act surprised"
I said "babe..."
She said "Shut up...don't you say a word"
"There aint nothing you can say that I aint already heard"
Then I said "Woman don't you try to turn it all around"
"Cuz the fact still remains that someone else was in my house"
Then she said "Your right about that, something did go down,
but I don't have to turn it around, cuz what goes around comes back around"
I'm movin a little closer to her
She's trippin over the furniture
She said "Wait first just let me explain"
I said "No need to just give me his name"
And the she says "Ahh...Ahh"
I say "Ahh what?"
She says "Please sit down in the chair"
And I say "No I'm standing up"
And then she cries out "I'm so scared to tell you, because of what you might do"
And I scream "Look girl you better give me this mans name and I'm not playin with you!"
She says "OK"
Wipes her nose and asks me about a girl name Tina
I thought to myself, said "Its sounds familiar"
Then said "I'll probably know her if I seen her"
Then I said "Anyway girl what the hell does that got to do with this man!?"
She said "He know my girl Roxanne"
I said "Who the hell is Roxanne!?"
Then she said "Roxanne is a friend of mine who know this guy named Chuck"
"Chucks cool with this guy named Rufus"
And I'm sitting there like what the fuck
Then she says "Rufus wife Cathy, we both went to high school"
"She introduce me to"
"The policeman that stopped you"